Wolpe Man
JERUSALEM (April 26, 3002) — Archeologists have discovered the remains of what appears to be an ancient 20th century Judaic sect's temple, its library and the bones of what may have been the sect's priest or rabbi. The discovery was made in an area then known as Los Angeles, in the southwestern part of North America.
A spokesman for the archeological dig called "Did Sinai Exist?" said the bones, when assembled, would give them their first glimpse at Wolpe Man, a wandering Semitic tribe that lost its way in the latter half of the 20th century.
But what most interests scholars of the period is a well preserved collection of writings, in English, called "Eitz Chaim," which, translated from Hebrew, means "tree of life." The writings, by Wolpe Man scholars of the age, reflect 20th century archaeological conclusions that the basic tenets of Judaism are "bubbameisers," which, loosely translated, means fairy tales. Among the tales the volume debunks are the basics of the Five Books of Moses, used by Jews for 3,000 years prior to Wolpe Man's era. Their conclusion was the books themselves were written by men who borrowed heavily from prevailing myths of the region.
The Five Books of Moses, or Torah, which has been in continuous use by Jews for thousands of years, except among the followers of Wolpe Man, describes enslavement of Jews in Eygpt and a miraculous redemption by G‑d and deliverance after 40 years in the desert, to the Promised Land. "Eitz Chaim" essays conclude that there is no actual proof that a large population of Jews every lived in Egypt or traveled in the desert.
According to legend, Wolpe Man delivered this news to more than 2,000 followers gathered to celebrate the biblical holiday of Passover. Judaic scholars at the time wondered why, if the exodus of Jews from Egypt never happened, Wolpe Man's followers bothered to take the day off and gather in their temple, which, ironically, was named "Sinai Temple." (Mt. Sinai is where the Jewish people received the Ten Commandments.)
Attendance at sabbath and holiday services dwindled after the sermon was delivered, since congregants concluded that if the exodus never happened, surely the Torah was never given to the Jewish people. And if there was no Torah, they could spend their Saturdays and holidays working or shopping or playing tennis and having shrimp cocktail for lunch.
Shortly before it was sold to a Baptist congregation, the temple renamed itself "Temple Mt. Whitney." When the Baptists took over the building, they renamed it "The Holy Word of G‑d at Sinai Free Baptist Church." Wolpe Man, the legend goes, stayed on as keeper of the "Eitz Chaim."
Now, a millenium later, archaelogists and other scholars have concluded that Wolpe Man was trying to prove that G‑d doesn't exist. Wolpe's followers realized that if its Torah was false, there was no need to keep kosher, refrain from work on the sabbath and holidays, lead moral lives and support synagogues. Scientists have concluded that Wolpe Man's tenets and those who contributed to his sect's "Eitz Chaim" volume probably suffered from a strange, selective blindness that periodically affects the Jewish people in affluent times and results in a loss of faith.
"It was interesting," a spokesman for the discovery said, "to note that of all the hundreds of thousands of Wolpe Man who existed at the time, only one Wolpe Man has been found. We have to assume that the rest of them either found their way back to Torah Judaism or became Baptists."