There Are No Real Intermarriages

It seems that The Jewish Journal has made it it's "mitzvah" to print all kinds of comments on the issue of intermarriage. We've heard the viewpoints of David Margolis, the "In The Neighborhood" columnist of The Jewish Journal, the strong minded Rabbi D. Aharoni of Woodland Hills, Rabbi Y. Kelemer, the spiritual leader of Congregation Mogen David, and Roberta Quiroz, a person outside of her faith and writes from that perspective. It seems that all the mayvins have spoken about intermarriage and written all there is to know!

Although the pen seems stronger than ever, I believe much is being missed here. There seems to be a blurring of issues. Jewish marriage and intermarriage are two different causes. There really are not two sides to intermarriage and, as far as I'm concerned, there is no real dialogue to entertain.

To Rabbi Kelemer, who sees in intermarriage an "opportunity," I must say that intermarriage does not offer any opportunities. While Rabbi Kelemer claims that we now have "a golden chance to convert our destiny" by performing conversions, I must respectfully disagree. For us there is only history and facts that speak on this important matter, and which relate truly to our destiny.

It is good that Orthodox rabbis have never condoned or accepted intermarriage whatsoever. When there was an Orthodox conversion, then we were talking about two Jews (and that's a different story). Who cares if one of them was a convert, or a son or daughter of a convert, a Jew is a Jew and that was it. There is no such thing as a "Jewish" intermarriage and there will never be one. It may be considered marriage by the secular authorities, but it is certainly not by Jewish interpretation.

In biblical times they dealt with the problem of intermarriage in a severe and strong way.

In the bible, Genesis, Chapter 34, we find a shocking episode about the problem of intermarriage and how the tribes dealt with it. We are told that Deena, the daughter of the patriarch Jacob, got involved with a non-Jew. Her family didn't approve and decided that something had to be done. So two of the brothers took care of the problem by wiping out the entire non-Jewish city of Shechem. Since then, at least in the bible, there were no more problems with intermarriage. That's the way it was solved.

Of course, while I'm not suggesting a replay, the story illustrates the severity of the problem and it's something to think about. You can read about it yourself. Unquestionably, King David had Moabite blood and the children of Moses had Midianite blood. But they were not the children of intermarriage! They were children of two Jewish parents. Religiously speaking, intermarriage was not accepted then and is not now.

All this talk about intermarriage has been getting me and honest converts a bit nervous. Here they work so hard and do the right thing and suddenly there is all the talk and commentary. We read that his mayvin says yes, the other says no. "Yes, you are Jewish but then again, not really."  "Welcome me for I'm no stranger. True I married out of the faith and I'm now considered a stranger by your standards, but really I feel Jewish, but then again not completely, as I want to keep Christmas with my other family."

How do we keep Jews happy and healthy? Definitely not by smoothing over the ills of intermarriage or by accommodating the stranger. Rather, it should be done by insisting that our children stop feeling like strangers within their own religion. Why should contemporary American Jews feel so alienated and estranged from their heritage so that they see nothing wrong in intermarriage?

The real problem is this: Just what is a Jewish marriage all about? There are problems in Jewish marriages, not problems with intermarriages.

There is a famous story told by the writer, Chaim Lieberman, in The Grave Concern about a young couple who go to a Rabbi Shapiro to get married. The man is Jewish by birth, but that is the extent of it. He tells the rabbi that he would not object if his non-Jewish fiancee did not convert at first. The woman, Catholic by birth, however, sincerely desires to convert, and not just for the sake of love. In fact, the Gentile woman is more fervent in her desire to become Jewish than her Jewish fiancee, who does not practice their religion. The rabbi wonders, "Whom should I convert to Judaism, the Jew or the non-Jew?"

When the woman finds out how little her husband-to-be if he knows of his religion she exclaims, "What kind of a Jew are you? You don't go to synagogue. You can't even say your prayers. How can I possibly marry you? If I'm to marry a Jew, I want him to be a real Jew - and you aren't one." She then issues him an ultimatum, "If you want me to marry you, then you must study Judaism together with me, here at the rabbi's."

Her young man agreed. For what choice was there? What does one not do for love?

So Rabbi Shapiro began to give lessons in Judaism to this couple, to the Jew and the non-Jewess. He soon saw that she made better progress than he, because she studied with eagerness and he under protest, she for the sake of Judaism and he for the sake of love. The rabbi had two proselytes simultaneously before him. He made the non-Jewess into a Jewess, and she made the "Jew" into a Jew. "nd I don't know which of us performed the greater mitzvah," the rabbi concluded, with a smile and a tear.

Perhaps now is the time that we, the rabbis, should insist that Jewish people don't marry until they are educated in the fundamentals of their religion. If we did, things would be very different. We must use our time to prevent the problem and not run after intermarried couples with questionable solutions, when things are already too late.