Misplaced Priorities

Copyright Rabbi Eli Hecht
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A young woman came to see me about day care for her 20 month old. She had been married and when pregnant, decided that marriage was not for her. She wanted to be a mother and not a wife. She insisted that she receive the divorce before the child was born. "I don't want the child to know its father. As a matter of fact, there is no reason to get married," she stated. After the baby was born she decided to do some traveling. She left the newborn infant with her mother and went on a three month traveling spree that cost over $10,000. During her travels she met the man of her dreams. Unfortunately, this man was happily married so that put an end to her fling. Presently she rents a room in a house with a new boyfriend. The house is shared by another girlfriend in the same situation: a child and a live-in boyfriend.

Now comes the important business of finding a quality day care for her little daughter so she came to see me.

"Rabbi," she said, "I am college educated, have a degree and I am a mother. I'm going to give my daughter the very best education. I want her to be a winner, beautiful and full of confidence. I know that your center can do it for me."  She spoke like she really had it together.

I explained the philosophy of our center, the methodology used in bonding and the stages of cognitive development. I reviewed the stages of the thinking child and how they perceive things.

As the interview ended, I asked the little girl if she would like a lollipop. She said, "Yes."  Suddenly and inexplicably the mother grabbed her daughter and said to me, "You are doing things all wrong. How dare you give my child a sucker. Don't you know better than that! Children get hyperactive from eating candy and can even lose their teeth. I will not send my child to your school."

I was dumbfounded seeing such incongruence. Here was a young mother in the need of help. She had left her husband and her newborn infant. Her family values were in complete disunity. With her many life styles she occasionally uses drugs and alcohol. The only thing she has left is her child and she won't let her child have a lollipop because it's bad for her teeth and may cause hyperactivity.

For a child not having a second parent nor a home, the real problem is much worse than tooth decay. The child may grow into a dysfunctional person with a good set of teeth.

Why doesn't the mother realize that it is more important to be concerned with what the child puts into her head and not her mouth? What shocked me was her misplaced priorities. Morality and health were two separate issues.

I believe the Bible is really the greatest guide for healthy values and family. If people want children then they ought to pick a committed person and start a family.

For example, it wasn't too long ago that a woman in her early 40's came to consult me. As she was having a problem finding a soul mate and her parents want to become grandparents. What are my feelings of her patronizing a sperm bank for artificial insemination? This is a perfectly legitimate question for the 90's. Here, too, no real consideration was given was given to the child's happiness and the need for a full family unit-father, mother and child.

Nothing beats having two parents and a stable home. True, the Bible speaks about winners, losers, heroes, scoundrels, marriage and divorce. But, nowhere is there a recommendation for obtaining happiness by having a child without a father or family. By denying a child a father, we deny the importance of family.

Sure, the lady wants the child to be a winner, beautiful and full of confidence. But that will only happen when the value system returns to family-candy or no candy.

Maybe you think I'm not realistic by ignoring the many children living in homes where parents fight. Well, the answer for them may be divorce but at least the children have both parents and the parents try. I have nothing against a single parent home as long as it began with marriage.

In this mother's case she deliberately chose to ignore the accepted norm for men and women. She treated the whole experience of having a child like someone going to a Pic-N-Save store, taking what she believes is a bargain and leaving the rest  for others. By completely ignoring her irrational behavior she hooked onto a lollipop. No more than a willing child that goes for the pacifier. She worries about tooth decay and has ignored the need for a wholesome child.

Who knows what will happen to the pure little girl as she grows up. Hopefully, she won't accept a lollipop from a real stranger.