Shalom Bayis - Peace in the Home

Copyright Rabbi Eli Hecht
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When the Almighty G‑d created life on earth he created male and female.  Both were created at the same time.  Animals were created male and female, as was the sea and sky creatures.  In the Torah it states, G‑d said: "Let us make man in our image"... And G‑d created man in His own image." The only life created singular was man.  Later the Torah relates how Eve was fashioned from Adam's rib.   The creation of humankind is different than all other creations.

Why was man created singular?

Jewish philosophors teach that in order for a man and woman to live a harmonious life they had to be created from one place.  As we know, man is very different from woman. So how is it possible that male and female are able to marry and bond? 

It is because the male and female are not two separate people, they are really one.  At marriage the female  returns to the male, fusing and becoming one, humankind.  Because the woman was initially created from man she therefore can live together harmoniously.  Had woman had been created separately there would never be a true harmony.

For some there are problems between men and women are with communication and arguments.  For example:  When a man asks his wife to have an extra guest in the house. She may  say, "No problem, sure or O.K."  Why doesn't she say "Look, I am worn out, I have been taking care of the children all week and I am tired.  I refuse to have a guest."  She may be frightened to speak up.  When the woman really wants to have a guest she will say "It's my pleasure." When a person says "no problem, sure, or O.K." they really don't mean it.  This is worse than saying no. I belive there is a tremendous need for the people to speak up and explain their feelings.

An argument is only good if one has the intent to express one's feelings.  You don't have to argue to win, you need to argume to express your feelings.  Spouses have the right to express themselves and to say what they feel.  One should not be intimidated to the extent that they can't express themselves.  One of the reasons people don't express themselves is because they think they have to be able to win the argument or else they look bad.  That is wrong.

In the Torah we find a perfect example of a good argument.  G‑d reveals himself to Abraham, at age 100, telling him he is going to have a son.  Sarah hears about this and she laughs.  G‑d comes to Abraham and tells Abraham "Why did your wife laugh?"  Abraham says "Sarah, why did you laugh?"  Sarah says "I did not laugh."  The Al-mighty G‑d told Abraham that Sarah laughed and Sarah answers that she did not.  Abraham expresses himself, Sarah expresses herself.  Nowhere in our rabbis" commentaries do we find that they had a fight and/or went to a marriage counselor.  They were able to express their feelings, whether right or wrong and they continued on.

Another case in the Jewish writings is regarding the birth of Samson.  Samson's mother was told by G‑d, through an angel, that she is going to become pregnant.  Her child, Samson, would grow up to be a hero of the Jewish people.  The mother goes home and tells her husband, Menoa.  She says that an angel told her that she will have a child blessed by G‑d to become a great leader.  Menoa doesn't believe her.  He say's "When this angel comes why don't you call me and I'll speak to the angel", suggesting that this would never take place.  Sure enough, the angel comes again to the wife and repeats the prophecies. She tells her husband who then meets the angel and asks the angel  "What are we supposed to do?"  The angel says "listen to G‑d and your wife."  Imagine, the angel tells the husband to listen to the wife. 

The wife is clever enough never to put the husband down.  All through the story she is called the wife of Menoa.  We are never told her name.  She was smarter and more worthy to see the angel.  She is careful to let her husband feel good about himself.

These are two examples from the scriptures of where we see arguments are not for winning, they are for expressing one's self.

We also know that men and women react to situations differently.

For example:

A woman complained to me that her husband is very upset with her.  They have a pet cat.  They are worried that the cat should not get pregnant. They don't have time for kittens.  The wife had the cat neutered.

"How cruel are you to the cat.     How could you do this to G‑d's creature, every animal has a right to live and procreate" said the husband  Some three months later she came into the office once again totally upset.  She had become pregnant and her husband told her "We have finally got the payments of the mortgage under control, we have our children in the right schools, how dare you get pregnant. I want an abortion for this pregnancy, I can't live with this."  How incongruent, the same husband who has love and compassion for the cat could not find the love and understanding towards his own unborn child, which, incidentally, when born, was a beautiful baby.

Let me share the following story:

A woman of high professional standing and education visited me seeking pastoral advice.  Her dilemma related to her marriage, family and work.  She was unable to balance her life.

Realizing that there was much more here, I asked if she had sought help from a therapist or psychiatrist.  She said that she had been seeing a psychiatrist for the last two years.  Nothing had changed, and now she felt completely helpless.  As a last resort, she turned to religion.

I asked her three questions:  Is your therapist married or divorced?  Does your therapist believe in G‑d and organized religion?  Does your therapist love children?

She thought the questions over before slowly stating that in all three cases, the answer was negative.

Her psychiatrist had been married and remarried and was going through a second divorce.  he said he did not believe in religion, claiming that it was repressive and guilt-evoking.  And last but not least, he added that he did not especially care for children, whom he described as 'ego-centered.'  "And not everyone has the patience to care for them," he said.

I then told her that her actions were incongruent.  Going to a healer who does not live the way she wants to live is absurd.  If anything, her therapist personified the opposite lifestyle.  At the very least, she should have found a healer that had at least two of the three characteristics.

I wish the woman hadn't waited two years before turning to G‑d for help and inspiration.

If we need to find help it ought to be from a religious person that truly understands the needs of expression and commitment.  Our religion has answers and guide lines. They teach us how to live and most of all how to get along with each other.