Solving the Kaddish Kiddish Quandary

Recently, as my mother’s yahrzeit – anniversary of her death – came around I wondered. Was I going to New York and pray at her gravesite, recite the kaddish, or was I going to Florida to pray with my father, and have a kiddish. 

In the Jewish lexicon there are two words that sound and are spelled almost the same way. Kaddish and Kiddish.

Kaddish is a prayer recited at a service, usually in a synagogue. It is recited to give honor to    G‑d. The prayer is beautiful and all encompassing. Its message is that G‑d is holy and His name is holy and by reciting the kaddish in a public area the name of G‑d becomes more glorified. The kaddish is known by many as the prayer recited at the death of a loved one. The mourner recites the kaddish at the synagogue during the year following a death in the family. When reciting the kaddish two things are accomplished. G‑d’s name is glorified and the dead are remembered and honored by the act.

The custom of reciting the mourners’ kaddish is to attend prayer services for 11 months and recite the prayer. While the kaddish is recited the mourner heals from the loss of beloved one and at the last kaddish of the first year there is a gentle closure. From that time after, the kaddish is recited by the mourner on the anniversary of the death each year. 

Kiddish, on the other hand, is a repast of wine, fish, or other delicacies. A grand kiddish can even include a full meal. Kiddish is recited when welcoming a Sabbath or holiday. It is usually recited over a cup of wine followed by an assortment of foods. It can mark a special occasion and is generally a happy event.

One of the reasons kiddish is celebrated at the synagogue can be a yahrzeit, the day marking the death. The belief is, that when people recite blessings over the food, wishing each other L’Chaim – to life, the departed soul ascends in heavenly realms. (Thus, in effect, kaddish would be followed by a kiddish.)

I have always wondered how can opposite feelings be celebrated at the same time? The recital of kaddish for the departed followed by the kiddish. The answer I believe is found in the saying “As one door closes another one opens.” The life of the departed is celebrated by the continuance of the living. The recital of kaddish, followed by the kiddish demonstrates this very concept.

So this year’s quandary, would it be New York City for the graveside kaddish or go to Florida and be with my father for the kaddish and kiddish? 

Well, I went to visit my father. I figured this way I can do two special mitzvos – good deeds – honor the living and the dead at the same time.

I was still able to honor my mother’s memory by reciting the kaddish plus by being with my father on the yahrzeit, I honored him. If my mother would have been alive she would see no reason for me to miss honoring the living – my dear father. It’s in the Ten Commandments  – Honor your mother and father.

So this year’s yahrzeit I honored my mother by honoring my father. We went to the synagogue to say the appropriate kaddish and then had a kiddish in honor of my dear mother. My father beamed with satisfaction, saying “your mother is proud of you.” I guess the kaddish and kiddish are not opposite, they are really one and can be practiced together. The message of a living soul is to pray for the heavenly one – L’Chaim.